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01 August 2012 @ 12:43 am
Fic: Don't Let Me Get Me (Klonnie/Kennet/Bonlijah - 1/1)  
Title: Don't Let Me Get Me
Rating: PG 13 - allusions of a sexual nature
Pairing: Klaus/Bonnie (with hints of Kol/Bonnie, Elijah/Bonnie and if you squint Kol/Meredith)
Disclaimer: Vampire Diaries belongs to L.J Smith and the lovely people who brought it to TV
Summary: Kol angers a witch.  Bonnie tries to fix it.  The result: Originals swapping bodies until her eyes go crossed.
Word Count: 4955
Author's Note:  I realize this is not Uneven Ground but I am a firm believer of writing when the muse strikes.  This is designed to be a (hopefully) humorous bit of fluff.  Because everyone needs that every now and then.  Title credit to Pink.

When the flames finally die down, Bonnie lets her arm drop away from her eyes and blinks.

The three of them stand before her, looking much the same before the candles flared to such an extent that she had been forced to shield her eyes.

Only something is different.



She stares at them, running her eyes carefully over each one as if looking for some outward flaw, a sign of the issue at hand.

It doesn’t come until one of them opens his mouth.

Fucking hell.”

This from Elijah – a red alert if she has ever seen one.

Her mouth is slightly agape now as the other two turn toward him.  Kol is grinning (only it just doesn’t quite look right) and Klaus has an eyebrow raised in disapproval (this coming from someone who cusses like a sailor when the mood strikes him).

There is something just so horribly wrong about this whole situation.

It is as if the three realize it at the same time for she has all eyes on her.



It should come from Klaus.  And only Klaus (because only Klaus is brazen enough to call her that no matter their how cozy their current relationship status is – Bonnie Bennett does not do cutesy terms of endearment).   

But it does not come from Klaus.

It comes from Kol.

She stares daggers at him.   When he neither withers nor gives her his usual cocky grin, she contemplates setting him on fire (it’s the principle of the thing – if anyone is going to call her something straight out of a corny romance novel it should be the one she is fucking, not his psychotic brother).  She raises a hand and he tenses now. 

“I wouldn’t do that, darling.”

Elijah again.  And since when does he call her ‘darling’?

She makes a face as he hand falls away.  “What the hell is going on?”

“I figure that is question best left to you to answer – you’re the one with the witchy mojo,” Elijah says with a nod.  He then jams his hands unceremoniously in his suit jacket pocket and almost glowers. 

It’s a familiar look – one that she immediately recognizes as belonging to someone else.

“Kol,” she finally says, her mouth a bit agape.  Kol – in Elijah’s body.  Which means…

Bonnie swivels her head toward Kol, realizing now what she should have seen before.  “Klaus.”

“Sweetpea,” he retorts and Kol’s voice softens to a tone she has never heard before.  Considering what she usually thinks of the original, she is not sure she likes it. 

Now she looks upon the face of her lover, knowing all too well the score.  “Elijah.”

“I trust that you will be able to undo this mix up.”  He does not need to confirm for her that he is now trapped in his brother’s body – no Elijah is all business.  She takes a moment to notice what he has done to Klaus’ body.  Elijah stands a little straighter, holds his head at a sharper angle.  There is an air of dignity and grace there that she has never witnessed.

Considering how she feels about that particular body, Bonnie is hard pressed not to find the new way in which it carries itself attractive.  She places a hand to her face and tries to concentrate on the obvious thing to do – fix it.

Because if she doesn’t, all hell is going to break loose.


It had started off fairly routine.

Kol had managed to piss off a witch and gotten himself hexed.

Normally, Bonnie would have left him to suffer (because he damn well deserved it) but this little hex extended to his brothers and seeing how she is particularly attached to one of his brothers (and finds the other one exceeding polite) she felt the need to step in.

Of course – even the most well-meaning of witches can bungle things up.

Especially when there is an anti-tampering spell attached to the original hex.

 (She commits that to memory for the next time she decides to hex someone)

Now that she has exacerbated the situation, she’ll have to work over time to make things right.

It’s not easy though- sometimes witches are too damn smart for their own good.


“What if we just kill her?”

It’s Klaus that speaks up, sounding very much like the body he is inhabiting.  But then again, if Bonnie puts aside her feelings for him, she supposes it is a very Klaus thing to say as well.  As a result, she casts a glance across the table to indicate that she is not amused.  His response ruffles her feathers.  “Don’t do that, Klaus!”

“Do what, Sweetpea?” He asks throwing Kol’s hands up in the air in mock surrender.

“Wink at me,” she retorts.  Then she makes a face.  “And don’t call me Sweetpea with that face either.”

“What’s wrong with that face?” Kol asks.  He is leaning against the doorframe, slouched over.  And wearing jeans.  The sight is so off putting that she does a double take.  “Bonnie, love, are you looking at my brother’s ass?”

“I need a drink,” she mutters as she forces her eyes back to the grimoire in front of her.  She takes a deep breath.  Task at hand, Bonnie.  “To answer your original question, Klaus, no we can just kill her.  One – because magic doesn’t just vanish when a witch dies, which you should know quite well as you are the son of a witch who manipulated from beyond the grave for centuries.  And two – she was just protecting herself from the idiotic tendencies of a vampire whose mental age clearly does not match his actual age.”

“Since I do not wish to act like a stodgy old bore, I am not offended by that,” Kol quips.  For good measure, he ruffles Elijah’s usually well groomed hair.  He now looks as if he tumbled out of bed after a good long…

Well, Bonnie doesn’t like any of this.

“Stop staring at me with your sex eyes, Bennett.  This body is not equipped to handle you…now that body,” Kol begins, shooting a look at his old form.  “…that body was built to handle a woman like you.  Go ahead, jump on - technically it’s not cheating.”  Kol laughs and Klaus bristles, turns toward his brother and before she can stop it the two are on the floor growling at one another. 

Bonnie bolts up, letting out a yelp.  “Stop it!”  She comes around the table now, directing a considerable amount of her reserved energy to send them flying to opposite ends of the room. 

Kol rises first, swiping at his borrowed face with the back of his hand.  “Bloody hell, I got punched by my own fist.”

“You damn well deserved it,” Klaus retorts as he glowers from the floor. 

The way the two are eyeing one another she highly suspects she’ll be tossing them around some more.  She sighs a little as she hold position between them, every muscle in her body alert and ready to act (because really, she could blink and find them back at each other). 

“Out of the way, Sweetpea,” Klaus drawls as he pulls himself to his feet.  He still has his eyes on his brother.

“Come on, Niklaus.  All I suggested was that you and your little witch do what only comes natural to you.  Just because you happen to be in my body at the time doesn’t mean a thing.  What’s that garbage?” He furrows his brows.  “It’s who you are underneath that counts.”  And he can’t even hold back a laugh.

Klaus growls.


All three turn to see Elijah standing there, looking less than impressed.  He has put Klaus in a suit (she wonders if it is a comfort thing, if he feels more like himself by doing so – just as Kol did by putting his borrowed body in jeans).  She sighs as she takes in the straight lines and fine cut of the clothing.  It’s really not fair – that she is in this position. 

“Are you both so insistent in exhausting Bonnie’s reserve?” He chides as he comes to stand at the end of the table.  He places the back of his hand on the chair and raises an eyebrow (elegantly of course).  “I realize this situation is far from ideal – but it will not change if you two cannot control yourselves long enough to allow her to work.”

“She could just let us rip into one another,” Kol points out with a shrug as he rounds closer to Elijah. 

“Now, Kol, in your time knowing Miss Bennett , when has she ever let you do something like that,” Elijah points out and there is a smile that reminds of her her Klaus (so not fucking fair). 

Kol glances over at Bonnie who silently reminding herself that she cannot in fact kiss Elijah even though he is wearing Klaus’ skin.  “Right, the moral code.  Fair enough.  I’ll let you do your thing, love,” he states as he comes to stop next to Elijah.  He grins a little before reaching out to slap his older brother on the shoulder.  “In the meantime, I am going to go out and do something with this body that hasn’t been done in a good long while I would imagine.”

Elijah raises an eyebrow.  “And what would that be?”

“I am going to get it laid,” Kol retorts and before Elijah can even respond, Kol is gone taking Elijah’s body with him.

This really is going to get worse before it gets better, isn’t it?


After six hours straight of studying the intricacies of tampering with hexes Bonnie is in need of the following things: a drink, a hot bath, ten hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Knowing she can get two out of three of those, Bonnie heads toward Klaus’ study where he keeps the good alcohol. 

She meets Kol in the foyer.  He is not alone.

“Meredith?!” Bonnie squeaks before she can stop herself.  The doctor has enough sense to turn a little red, even as Kol places a hand to her back and guides her toward the door.  She watches with a mixture of shock and horror as he gives Meredith a rather intense goodbye kiss before shutting the door on her. When he turns back she is sure her mouth is open a little. 

“What?” He draws as he glances down and realizes that he has buttoned his shirt wrong for the first time.  “Apparently the good doctor wants nothing to do with me but would gladly jump my brother’s bones.  Good thing too.  Because if not I would have never gotten to know just how kinky…”

“Oh please shut up,” Bonnie says with a groan.  She spins on her heels and makes it to the study in record time.

She’ll make it double – and she wants bubbles in her bath.

She finds Elijah there, seated in a chair.  Apparently he had a similar idea.  She pours her drink before she decides to broach the subject of his brother’s misuse of his body.  “Heads up…”

“Dr. Fell, I know,” Elijah says quietly.  “That certainly makes our next encounter a little awkward.”

“A little?” Bonnie questions before she can stop herself.  She cringes.  “I am sorry Elijah.  I’m cranky.”

“Understandably.”  He nods and she slides into the seat across from him.  She wonders if she’ll ever get used to this or if she will always stare as if she has just come face to face with an alien being (but really she shouldn’t get used to it, getting used to it is the first sign of complacency).  Thankfully, Elijah has enough tact not to point this out.   “Have you made any headway?”

“I have learned that I shouldn’t have even tried anything in the first place.  Putting a tamper proof spell on a hex is like putting your money in a vault within a vault.  Extra protection,” she says with a sigh and a good deal of Klaus’ whiskey finds its way down her throat to settle in her stomach.  “I am sorry Elijah.”

“Apologizing for my brother’s act.  You know your friends might believe you are not yourself but clearly they can’t see that the more things change the more they stay the same,” Elijah points out.  She manages a bit of smile.  He leans forward a little.  “I have faith in you, Bonnie.”

And then she’s kissing him.

It’s quick and squashed the moment logic kicks in – this is not Klaus, as much as she wants him to be in this moment.

She pulls back to see that she has stunned Elijah (probably the first time she has ever managed to do that), downs the rest of the drink and shoves the glass into his hand. “I better just go to bed.”


She screeches like any self-respecting girl who has just walked in on her lover’s brother naked should. 

Slapping a hand over her eyes, Bonnie groans.  “KLAUS!”

“This is my room too, Sweetpea!” He counters.  Even though she can hear him scrambling to cover himself.  “I figured I can bloody well change here.”

“I told you not to call me that right now,” Bonnie says sharply, keeping her fingers tight.  It is bad enough that she will have to look at Kol when he returns to normal and know she has seen his ass, she doesn’t want to add ‘penis’ to the equation.

“I do apologize for wanting to speak to you affectionately,” Klaus counters.  There is a bit of heat in his voice and he is moving closer.  She hopes he has the good sense to be wearing clothes because she lets the hand drop.  Mercifully she now stands face to face with a fully clothed Original.  “You look drained, love.  Have a nice hot bath and then…”

Bonnie nearly kisses him too – for realizing just what she needs.


Instead her hands land tentatively on his shoulders.  “…go to bed,” she finishes with the faint traces of a smile.

“I’ll curl up elsewhere if I get tired,” he assures her.  He seemingly can’t resist dipping his head and tracing his lips over her brow.  She finds that given her thoughts a moment ago, she can’t fault him for it. 

“I’ll fix this,” she tells him quietly.

“Of course you will, Sweetpea.”



She sighs as she turns on her side, pushing out the sound for favor of letting unconsciousness claim her once again.  She feels the bed dip but can’t be bothered.  She asked for ten hours.

(Even though she knows she is not getting it).


More insistent this time – accompanied by a firm hand on her shoulder.   She feels her body being turned over, her back being pressed against the bed.  Finally her eyes flutter open even though they want nothing more than to stay shut.  Klaus looms over her.  Wait.  “Elijah…?

Sweetpea,” he says and he sounds almost wounded.

She furrows her brows together.  “But…how?”

“I was passed out in Kol’s room and woke up in my study,” Klaus tells her, and he’s stroking the side of her face.  “Perhaps, perhaps it was a temporary thing?”

Bonnie is trying to get her sleep-addled brain to cooperate and think things through.  But honestly, she is just so exhausted that she cannot manage more than a sigh.  He smiled a little before swooping down to cover her mouth with his. There is a level of intensity to the kiss that tells her he has missed doing this.  As her senses finally start coming to life, she wraps her arms around him, clinging to him as he maneuvers himself to cover her fully. 

They kiss like that for a while, although hands explore one another.  She finds that she is not so opposed to losing her ten hours of sleep anymore.

His mouth is next to her ear when he speaks.  “I can’t wait to taste you.”

She freezes a little, her fingers digging into her shoulder.  How very Klaus of him to say.  Only…not.  She takes a second, thinks about how his fingers are splayed on her hip.  No, not right.  She pushes now she can see his face in the dim light, read his eyes. 

“Oh you rotten bastard!” She cries, fully awake now.  She flings him now, as far as she can throw him.  He hits the wall hard enough that a nearby vase falls and shatters.  One of Klaus’ favorites.  She is too angry to care.  She throws back the covers , her feet hitting the floor with purpose.   He has recovered enough to look up at her.

“Are you really going to hurt this face, love?” He asks with a wry grin.

The door opens before she can answer.  Standing there is Elijah, who of course is not Elijah.  If the man at her feet is Kol than that would make him…

“Klaus,” she breathes, running a hand over her face.

“I am going to kill him,” he seethes and she has a split second to reflect that she has never seen Elijah’s face this angry.  She steps in his path, places a hand to his chest, and can feel the anger palpable against her palm.  She doesn’t blame him – she’s plenty angry too.

“Oh come now, I was only having a bit of fun.  You lot are so damn serious.  I would have never done anything beyond a few stolen kisses,” Kol scoffs as he brushes off pieces of the vase.

(His hand on her breast a few moments ago says otherwise but she’ll keep it to herself of for the sake of trying to keep the peace)

Klaus stares down his younger brother (she wonders if it is strange that he is essentially staring down himself) while Bonnie processes the latest development. Clearly another switch has occurred.   But how?  She pinches the bridge of her nose.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to try something…” Kol muses as he stretches his borrowed limbs.

She turns and he’s got yellow eyes.

“Kol,” Klaus warns, his hand falling on Bonnie’s shoulder.  “Don’t you dare.”

“Why should you have all the fun, brother?” Kol asks and she hears the first telltale crack of bone.  Her eyes widened and she does not protest when Klaus places her firmly behind him.  She peeks around his arms as Kol forces Klaus’ body into transformation.  It is not a pretty sight and she hopes that Kol feels every single snap and twist.

A few moments later a rather large grey wolf stands proudly in the middle of their bedroom.  Bonnie has her fingers dug into Elijah’s...Klaus’ arms and her mind is already cooking up any number of spells that will keep Kol from doing any real damage to either one of them. 

“You will be lucky if I don’t dagger you after all of this,” Klaus says, but he sounds more exasperated than anything.  The wolf tilts his head, lets out of sharp howl and then before either of them can do anything he’s out the open door, no doubt bounding through the house with glee.

Klaus turns, looks at her with soulful brown eyes.  “Are you all right?”

“Perfectly fine.”  Physically at least.  She is quite sure her sanity ran out of the room with the wolf that should belong to her lover but instead belongs to his psychotic little brother.  She takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

He of course does not buy it.

“This will get fixed. I swear it to you, Sweetpea,” he tells her and he has got her face in his hands. 

She wants to tell him that he shouldn’t call her ‘Sweetpea’ in this form either. It doesn’t quite sound as wrong as it did when he was in Kol’s body – and that bothers her even more.  She manages a nod and goes to pull away but he holds tight.

Before she can see it coming, he brushes his lips over hers.

Then pulls back, lets her go.  “I’m sorry,” he says quietly.  “I couldn’t help myself.”

“It’s…okay,” she says.  She’ll think about the irony that she kissed Elijah in Klaus’ body and he kissed her in Elijah’s body some other day.  Preferably down the road.  Over a glass of wine.  She can tell he wants to say more but they are interrupted by the sound of a shrill scream.

“Kol,” Klaus mutters, screwing Elijah’s features up into anger once again.

She blinks and he’s gone.  She’s left running after him, thankful that she had at least remembered to put on sleep wear after she got out of the bath (for more reasons than one now).  She meets Elijah on the stairs and he looks so out of place in Kol’s body that she almost wants to laugh.  But there is a crash downstairs and he’s gone too.

By the time she reaches the sitting room, it is clear that Kol has fully embraced his role of mischief maker- even in wolf form.  One of the servants is on top of the piano (come on, really – he’s not a mouse and he could leap on her if he so chooses), there are various priceless antiques overturned and Kol is in the corner, his furry leg cocked as he pees on a potted plant.

She was wrong – this is the moment her sanity leaves her. 


Somehow between her magic and the remaining two brothers they manage to pen Kol in down in the basement.  He is clearly not happy about it, as evidenced by his howling and scratching at the door.  Klaus mutters something about damage to expensive oak wood but she and Elijah ignore him. 

Obviously they have bigger problems on their mind.

“So you guys…just flipped bodies on your own?”  She asks, noting sky is starting to streak purples, pinks and oranges.  Morning – how time flies when you are trying corral a playful werewolf. “No outside influence?”

“If you are suggesting that we contacted another witch then rest assured that notion is ridiculous,” Klaus tells her, and reaches over to take her hand.   He gives it a squeeze.  “I have faith in you, Bonnie.”

It is an exact repeat of what Elijah said to her yesterday in Klaus’ body.

“My head is going to explode,” she says before she slumps forward and lets her forehead bounce off the table. 


By nightfall, Klaus is back in his own body.

At first she doesn’t believe him in the slightest.  She makes him tell her something that no one else should.  He responds by describing the first time they had sex in such graphic detail that she is beet red by the time he finishes. 

“That’s…quite a memory you have,” Bonnie quips as his arms come around her.

“Let’s make a new one shall we?”

She’s not going to say no of course, even though logically she knows that this thing didn’t just fix itself.  Klaus seems content to ignore logic in favor of stripping her of her clothes. 

And given what she’s been through, she’s not going to argue with him at the moment.


She tries to convince him afterwards that this isn’t over.

A hex just doesn’t disappear. 

Not one with an anti-tamper switch anyway. 

She sees traces of arrogant Klaus in the way he just brushes his lips across her forehead and tucks her into his side, urging her to rest.

Bonnie sighs. 

She should just do what he says – she has a feeling she is going to need it.



It’s an urgent whisper this time, followed by a sudden shift.  Klaus is no longer there to act as her pillow and she winds up face first in the bed.  She groans and sits up a little.  “Klaus?” Her eyes are adjusting to the early morning light (she finds she is not at all happy about witnessing a sunrise two days in a row).  She finally spots him hastily shoving his legs into pants. “What now?”  He turns to look at her and she gets it just by the way his eyes stay strictly on her face.  She pulls the blanket up.  “Elijah.”

“It would appear so,” he says and he throws on the first shirt he can find.  He is storming towards the door when it bursts open, hitting the wall with such force a painting falls.  She takes a second to reflect that this ordeal has been murder on the décor of the house before her eyes fall on Klaus (Kol’s body of course – at least there is a pattern). 

“How much did he see?” Klaus mutters looking from Elijah to Bonnie.

“Nothing, brother,” Elijah assures him.

Bonnie tightens her grip on the blanket.  She is finds her mood is not conducive to this particular sort of pissing match. “I did tell you,” she says simply.

Then she stands to go off in search of her grimoire, dragging the blanket with her.


“We’re on a loop?” Klaus repeats.  Kol leans back in his chair (he’s decided that today, Elijah is wearing board shorts – although she has no idea where they even came from) and sighs.  Elijah looks particularly stoic.  “For how long?”

“I am guessing eternity,” Bonnie says.  She is still wearing her blanket, now a makeshift toga.  She is pretty sure she spilled coffee on it in the early hours but it’s dry now (and surprisingly comfortable).  “This is one clever witch.   I think I need to meet her.”

“Ah, she’s not too fond of you, love,” Kol draws, and his feet are on the table.  Good Lord – are those flip flops?  Elijah does his best not to glower.  “I may have thrown your name around before she started muttering in Latin.”

“Of course you did.”  Bonnie sighs.  “So that’s the bad news.  Every twelve hours you guys are going to swap bodies.”

“I take it by telling us this that there is in fact some good news?” Elijah prompts.

“Well – I think…” and she cringes as she uses that word because her inability to be sure is what got them into this mess in the first place.  “I think that I can bind your essence to your body when it is in it next.”

“So what you’re saying is that I still have a few hours in this form, and then I have to spend the day chasing my own tail?” Kol asks.  When she nods, he grins.  “Brilliant!”

“I am warning you, Kol,” Klaus growls.

“Ground me later, brother. I’m off to play doctor.” 


They are proactive this time. 

Kol spends his allotted time as Klaus giving her puppy dog eyes from a magically enhanced crate.  She ignores him in favor of gathering what she’ll need to complete the ritual.  The moment the switch occurs she’s trapping them where they belong and then never speaking of this again.



They are back where they started, in the grand sitting room. 

She has lit the candles.  Ground the herbs.  Shoved the poker into the fire until it glows red hot.

All she needs now is for her boys to be her boys again. 

Bonnie pinpoints the moment the change starts to occur.  Each body jerks and she watches in fascination as they change when the new essence takes hold.  It is subtle – but as someone who prides herself on knowing them quite well, she can tell.

This is her Klaus (oh, and she supposes her Elijah and Kol too).

She takes a deep breath, realizing that they have entered the homestretch in this nightmare of a situation.  She doesn’t even give them a chance to speak, just begins chanting.  The three dutifully drink the tea she has prepared from her mixture as she pulls the hot poker from the fire.  She steps in front of Elijah.  “May your body and soul always be one,” she says respectfully.  He inclines his head and she touches fire to skin, causing him to suck in a breath.

It will heal – but it is the seal that will hold his essence in. 

She steps in front of Kol next.  “May your body and soul always be one,” she repeats.  He makes a face and before he can indicate that he is ready she thwacks him hard in the side.  He lets out an undignified yelp.  She hopes he finally gets it – magic is something to be respected, not mocked.

Finally she stands before Klaus.  He is looking at her as he always does when she is performing magic – reverently.  She smiles, unable to resist going on her toes to brush his lips with hers.  She pulls back just a little.  “May your body and soul always be one.” 

She is gentle of course, reddening the skin of his arm quickly before plunging the end of the poker into a waiting bucket of water.  It hisses and creates steam.  She looks back at the three brothers, seeing that the red welts have already started to dissipate. 

She breathes a sigh of relief. 

Everything is as it should be.

Well – minus the damage to the house, the fact that she kissed Elijah, and Kol felt up her breast while stuffing his tongue in her mouth.

But those are minor details really. 


Now she is off to drink, bathe, and sleep the rest of the week away.  As she climbs the stairs she hears one of the servants inform Elijah that there is a ‘Miss Fell’ here to see him at the same time Klaus questions Kol on what on earth possessed him to dig up the Oriental Lily bush.

They can figure these things out on their own.

Bonnie Bennett is officially off the clock.

Current Mood: amusedamused
kanjo_girl: bonnie: glance and smilekanjo_girl on August 1st, 2012 10:13 pm (UTC)
I love this! It's brilliant and I love dynamics between all three brothers and Bonnie. Thanks for sharing this.
swirlsofblueswirlsofblue on August 2nd, 2012 01:36 pm (UTC)
This is awesome. It's hilarious, and I thought the character portrayals were brilliant, Kol being mischievious, and Elijah being all noble, and Bonnie being able to tell the difference.
eternal_moonie: claire holt 2eternal_moonie on August 2nd, 2012 05:15 pm (UTC)
Absolutely AWESOME story!!!